*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.