SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
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Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Left at a local drug store…
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
spot the difference
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
What the hell happened here.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in