Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
You Might Also Like
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My daily affirmation
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.