Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]