*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
You Might Also Like
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.