ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
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I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Intelligence is the new cleavage
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.