Yup….perfect score!
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
we’re gonna need another temp
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.