FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I am yelling
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE