If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately