Previously On Persistence 😎
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Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.