My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
No. He’s not coming out to play