How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I know this now 😂
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?