I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
*struts into the new year
~ trips
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.