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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*