My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Florida be like…
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
How did we not see this back then?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!