Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples