We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.