People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does