idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?