Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse