If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
#Caturday
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?