I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.