Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.