them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I can’t deal with men any longer
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”