My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one