*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
asking santa clause for nudes
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?