If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
RT if you know someone like this!!!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I would like even faster food.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*