My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
You Might Also Like
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
wow he looks just like him
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.