why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
happy mother’s day❤️
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day