Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
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just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.