People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
when you order from DoorDastardly
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
me doing my best
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
The morning after pill, but for tweets
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”