Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
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did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Order here:
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE