We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”