Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.