It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I know this now 😂
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Breaking news:
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
This probably isn’t good
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING