Left at a local drug store…
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
DOOO EEEET
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
step 6: release the wall snake
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm