Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
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unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Jogging
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.