*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
You Might Also Like
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
the three branches of government
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?