Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
DOOO EEEET
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?