Childbirth is so beautiful
You Might Also Like
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
This will never not be funny to me.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
i really liked this one
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”