The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
You Might Also Like
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.