#JohnTravolta
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therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
United Steaks of America
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.