Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Something Saturday.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.