I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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I’d rather fork than spoon.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
The 6 types of sex
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.