I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Awwwww shit.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?