[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.