*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful