“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
become ungovernable
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.