A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.