I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done